Unfortunate False Identity

business ladyIt’s taken me years to discover this lesson, the revelation of “who I am,” a seminar of “self worth” and sadly at times I still catch myself falling into that former trap.

Many years working in fast-paced, aggressive, corporate jobs in the Metroplex, taught me to naturally work my way to the top of practically every job I held. That was my nature, it was easy for me and I enjoyed the amusement, as a sport and an enjoyable competition.

Identity, it was never a conscious notion, yet like many people, I felt the following to be true:

  • If I’m busy I have a purpose.
  • If I’m busy I am important.
  • If I’m busy I am needed.

My Journal Entry:

“I hear an inward, soulish busy voice screaming at me today saying, “Shouldn’t you be doing something useful?!?”  Then I’m reminded of the words, hard words of wisdom (see below) and I take some slow, deep breaths and know I’m in the perfect will of God at this time. I’m to enjoy this time, every second of it, I began to calm down and the inner debate is over…….for now.

My self wants to DO something for You God, to go somewhere to hear You God, to fast, to read, to make plans, to find employment!  But I know I’m not to DO, but to BE, why oh why is it so hard to just be, be quiet, be still, be here, be content, be now … be?  I’m a human being not a human doing.  I need to sit in solitude, in the quiet and enjoy Your presence and to find myself again.

BusyIn the mid 1500’s, my good friend St. John of the Cross wrote, “I must learn to stay at rest with quiet attention to God and ignore my desires to keep busy.  The security of activity must give way to the unknown of quiet rest.  I can’t come to know God in the way that I can know any other person or any other thing.  I can’t bridge the gap by effort, imagination or will, faith alone bridges the gap.  There are 3 temptations unto man, to be useful, to be important and to be powerful.”  Oh how I love the words of St. John of the Cross, he’s been where I am, he wrote about it and he “hit’s home” with me every time!  The enemy has no new tricks, only old tricks that he’s perfected over time and I must be aware and vigilant at keeping my peace and inward solitude.  Oh Lord, help me to stay at peace, help me to know my purpose which is to love You, to spend time with You and to BE with You .  And if I can do that, then I am important and I am needed – needed to show my love and devotion to You and to present these truths to others for You.”

Quote: “People become attached to their burdens sometimes more than the burdens are attached to them.”  ~George Bernard Shaw

MY BIG DREAMS  – An Acrostic Poem – Sept 19, 2000

My big dreams for me oh Lord just seemed so right and perfect.  I was

Yearning for things that were my own plans, wishes and desires.  I’m

Beginning to see these were my private tactics, self-centered, wrong and

Indeed untimely.  It’s very true dear Lord, You know my heart and what is

Genuinely best for me, I trust You.  Truthfully, I’ve felt so let down and deeply

Disappointed that my requests are placed on hold.  You said some dreams were

Reserved for my future and that You have a superior plan; a better way.  So

Empower me to follow near to You dear Father, hold to my faltering hand.

Again I lay aside my selfish and lofty prayers and here today I cast on You

My cares.  This present life is only a dream, I’ll be content with what I have.  I

Say now, “If the Lord wills, I’ll do this or that, and not boast on my own.

JNelson



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