Lost In My Own Backyard

BlizzardIt is said, that in the Great Plains, animals and people went missing and perished during the Easter Sunday Blizzard of 1873.  Thousands of head of livestock were lost in central Nebraska, the largest relative amount of any blizzard. Most of the newly planted produce and trees died from the storm, wildlife was also greatly affected. After the storm the bodies of dead deer, antelope, and other animals were scattered over the prairie. Dead birds were found everywhere. Live prairie chickens were seldom seen in Adams County after this blizzard. It is not known how many settlers left after the blizzard never to return.

After that gruesome and devastating event, farmers at the first sign of a blizzard, fearing a whiteout, the possibility of vanishing and/or a slow death, would tie a rope from the backdoor of the house out to the barn.  Each and every person remembered people who had wandered off and been frozen having lost sight of home while still in their own backyards.

Undoubtedly, we all face times when we feel, it’s just all too much!  There were several times in my life just like that, things that used to work for me just didn’t work anymore, desires I used to have, seemingly faded away.  The people I had grown to know and depend upon, well I didn’t anymore.  Deeply planted roots in my life were being plucked up one by one at a very fast pace.  The person I used to be I wasn’t anymore. All in all, I was lost and uncomfortable and I just wanted my old life back!

Four Separate Journal Entries:

Lord, it seems as if I’ve lost my purpose and meaning, it was there and then it was gone, how did I lose it?  I feel so heavy, help me Father to hold on to and accept the plans You have for me.  I heard my Father say, “Lay all the burdens that cause you to feel stressed or worried on the altar today and take a mental vacation.”

compass_handWho am I?!?  That’s what I’m really wondering and I see my loved one’s wondering the same thing.  Plain and simple – I’ve lost my identity.  I feel like a sad faced clown in the circus; I should be happy and free yet truthfully, I’m sad and lost and it feels as if I’m merely putting on a good face for those who love me so they won’t be in pain over my feeling “lost.”  Lord, I will rest in You until the dark passes and new Light comes.  Don’t let me miss whatever this is about and I give You permission to work in me Your perfect will. 

Lord, I’m lost in an unknown land!  Let it be that when I’m found again, I won’t come back the same person as I was when I went “missing.”  Change my life, change me, give me what I really want, not what I think I want.  You know what’s best for me, You know Your will for me.  I remain still, quiet and listening while I’m under the knife.

Holy Spirit told me today, “I’m putting down good, firm roots for you, you’re safe and secure in Me and in this place and time in your life.  Keep your eyes on Me and you’ll not be blown away or felled over.  These roots go down deep and are powerful and strong.  Once you had roots, then for awhile you knew that  you had none and how vulnerable and lost you felt.  But I tell you it’s a new day and roots you shall have and these roots shall establish you and secure you.”

When you find yourself LOST in your own backyard, don’t die in the storm!  Don’t lose sight of your Heavenly home, don’t pack up and leave or wander off!  Tie your rope to Him, for He is able to save your soul.  I gently advise you to bear the following in mind:

Keep hope,

Be joyful always,

Pray continually,

Give thanks in all circumstances,

Don’t lose heart,

Think on things above,

Peace is the will of God for you in every situation.

You can’t protect yourself, it is God alone who protects you so stop struggling, do not try to stop the pain, take a deep breath and be at peace, for this too shall pass.

I leave you with a quote from one of my strong and faithful mentors, St John of the Cross.  “Do not forget that the purpose of your journey is to be with God – an audience of one with The One.  For the riches and the glory you seek are with Him, not where you have been looking,”

Be Blessed,

Jae Nelson



  • Oh That I May Be With Him

    One of the strangest lessons in this life must be that hardships and problems draw us closer and closer to our Lord.

    with himWhile still mourning the death of my mother, I was in the process of moving my oldest brother into suitable living arrangements.  My brother is mentally challenged and has been my “inheritance” since our mother’s death.  Naturally I was feeling sad, lonely and anxious from the stress, the decisions to be made and clearly the physical labor of moving.  I felt completely removed from my normal routine and wondered if my life would ever resemble what it used to be?  Would my life ever have a purpose or a destiny?  It appeared esteemed people around me had  a calling on their life; they had ministry positions and compared to my seemingly sad and boring life day-after-day, they looked to be important.

    While talking to the Father about these thoughts and feelings, I imagined myself to be of no use to Him, I felt I wasn’t working for the Kingdom and somehow “letting Him down.”  Quietly I said to Him, “Lord, I just want to be used by You, to do something for You.”  Quickly, Holy Spirit responded to me, “I have lots of people doing things for Me, what I need is someone to be with Me.”  Those simple yet profound words thrilled me; He wants me to be with Him!  These magnificent words changed my life and changed the way I saw myself from that moment forward.

    The Father desires a relationship with you.  No longer is there a wall between you and God, you have access to Him, He desires for you to spend time with Him, getting to know Him.

    “Jesus went up into the mountain, and called to himself those whom he wanted, and they went to him.  He appointed twelve, that they might be with him, and that he might send them out to preach, and to have authority to heal sicknesses and to cast out demons.”  Mark 3:13-15.

    “Father, I desire that they also whom you have given me be with me where I am, that they may see my glory, which you have given me, for you loved me before the foundation of the world.   Righteous Father, the world hasn’t known you, but I knew you; and these knew that you sent me. I made known to them your name, and will make it known; that the love with which you loved me may be in them, and I in them.”  John 17:24-26

    bench afarJournal entry: Lord I’m thanking You for opening doors for my brother a nice house to live near us and for him to be safe and happy.  I’ve felt really sifted during this process of mourning Mom and taking on the responsibility of my brother. Sometimes a part of me wants my old life back!  I’m afraid and weepy today but I keep my eyes on You Lord and I won’t LET myself be troubled, I won’t LET self pity come on me, I won’t lose heart or lose faith in You.  You will never leave me or forsake me.  When I feel like this, I do not need to think or mull things over, I don’t need to seek pity from others, I just need to be still and quiet and look to You.  So, I stay on the alter under the knife and I will my mind to shut up and to offer praise, thanks and prayers unto You, for I know You have a plan for me and for my life for a hope and a future (Jer. 29:11).    I am weak in myself but strong in You Lord.

    I visualize bringing my cares and laying them at Your feet, I see You touch the top of my head lovingly and I crumble at Your feet.  I hear You telling me, “Shhhhhh.”

    My friend, St. John of the Cross said, “The deeper my faith = the closer my union with God.”

    “Experience with God only comes by pressing in and abiding in Him.  He wants purity of heart, not gifts without fruit.”  It’s not about religion, it’s about relationship.”  Neville Johnson

    Be Blessed In Him,

    Jae



  • His Intimate Touch

    Sintimateometimes a well of sadness deep within me opens up with no provocation and spills out through tears from my eyes. I don’t have a reason for why or when, and I can’t stop it. I just run to my Father and let Him touch it. I tell Him of it, not through words, but by my heart cries. He tenderly touches within me a place I cannot see or even fathom, and a healing oil covers me, and causes my fears and sadness to slowly subside a little bit more. He hasn’t told me what it is or why it’s there – we just both know that life has left it’s imprint and wounds take time to heal, whether self-inflicted or not. He is able and mighty, He is the lover of my soul and spirit. Transition and renovation go hand in hand. They are exciting and refreshing and painful.

    Cover up and dry up this well, Father. Finish turning my mourning into dancing. Remove my sackcloth and clothe me with joy.