Lost In My Own Backyard

BlizzardIt is said, that in the Great Plains, animals and people went missing and perished during the Easter Sunday Blizzard of 1873.  Thousands of head of livestock were lost in central Nebraska, the largest relative amount of any blizzard. Most of the newly planted produce and trees died from the storm, wildlife was also greatly affected. After the storm the bodies of dead deer, antelope, and other animals were scattered over the prairie. Dead birds were found everywhere. Live prairie chickens were seldom seen in Adams County after this blizzard. It is not known how many settlers left after the blizzard never to return.

After that gruesome and devastating event, farmers at the first sign of a blizzard, fearing a whiteout, the possibility of vanishing and/or a slow death, would tie a rope from the backdoor of the house out to the barn.  Each and every person remembered people who had wandered off and been frozen having lost sight of home while still in their own backyards.

Undoubtedly, we all face times when we feel, it’s just all too much!  There were several times in my life just like that, things that used to work for me just didn’t work anymore, desires I used to have, seemingly faded away.  The people I had grown to know and depend upon, well I didn’t anymore.  Deeply planted roots in my life were being plucked up one by one at a very fast pace.  The person I used to be I wasn’t anymore. All in all, I was lost and uncomfortable and I just wanted my old life back!

Four Separate Journal Entries:

Lord, it seems as if I’ve lost my purpose and meaning, it was there and then it was gone, how did I lose it?  I feel so heavy, help me Father to hold on to and accept the plans You have for me.  I heard my Father say, “Lay all the burdens that cause you to feel stressed or worried on the altar today and take a mental vacation.”

compass_handWho am I?!?  That’s what I’m really wondering and I see my loved one’s wondering the same thing.  Plain and simple – I’ve lost my identity.  I feel like a sad faced clown in the circus; I should be happy and free yet truthfully, I’m sad and lost and it feels as if I’m merely putting on a good face for those who love me so they won’t be in pain over my feeling “lost.”  Lord, I will rest in You until the dark passes and new Light comes.  Don’t let me miss whatever this is about and I give You permission to work in me Your perfect will. 

Lord, I’m lost in an unknown land!  Let it be that when I’m found again, I won’t come back the same person as I was when I went “missing.”  Change my life, change me, give me what I really want, not what I think I want.  You know what’s best for me, You know Your will for me.  I remain still, quiet and listening while I’m under the knife.

Holy Spirit told me today, “I’m putting down good, firm roots for you, you’re safe and secure in Me and in this place and time in your life.  Keep your eyes on Me and you’ll not be blown away or felled over.  These roots go down deep and are powerful and strong.  Once you had roots, then for awhile you knew that  you had none and how vulnerable and lost you felt.  But I tell you it’s a new day and roots you shall have and these roots shall establish you and secure you.”

When you find yourself LOST in your own backyard, don’t die in the storm!  Don’t lose sight of your Heavenly home, don’t pack up and leave or wander off!  Tie your rope to Him, for He is able to save your soul.  I gently advise you to bear the following in mind:

Keep hope,

Be joyful always,

Pray continually,

Give thanks in all circumstances,

Don’t lose heart,

Think on things above,

Peace is the will of God for you in every situation.

You can’t protect yourself, it is God alone who protects you so stop struggling, do not try to stop the pain, take a deep breath and be at peace, for this too shall pass.

I leave you with a quote from one of my strong and faithful mentors, St John of the Cross.  “Do not forget that the purpose of your journey is to be with God – an audience of one with The One.  For the riches and the glory you seek are with Him, not where you have been looking,”

Be Blessed,

Jae Nelson

  • Unfortunate False Identity

    business ladyIt’s taken me years to discover this lesson, the revelation of “who I am,” a seminar of “self worth” and sadly at times I still catch myself falling into that former trap.

    Many years working in fast-paced, aggressive, corporate jobs in the Metroplex, taught me to naturally work my way to the top of practically every job I held. That was my nature, it was easy for me and I enjoyed the amusement, as a sport and an enjoyable competition.

    Identity, it was never a conscious notion, yet like many people, I felt the following to be true:

    • If I’m busy I have a purpose.
    • If I’m busy I am important.
    • If I’m busy I am needed.

    My Journal Entry:

    “I hear an inward, soulish busy voice screaming at me today saying, “Shouldn’t you be doing something useful?!?”  Then I’m reminded of the words, hard words of wisdom (see below) and I take some slow, deep breaths and know I’m in the perfect will of God at this time. I’m to enjoy this time, every second of it, I began to calm down and the inner debate is over…….for now.

    My self wants to DO something for You God, to go somewhere to hear You God, to fast, to read, to make plans, to find employment!  But I know I’m not to DO, but to BE, why oh why is it so hard to just be, be quiet, be still, be here, be content, be now … be?  I’m a human being not a human doing.  I need to sit in solitude, in the quiet and enjoy Your presence and to find myself again.

    BusyIn the mid 1500’s, my good friend St. John of the Cross wrote, “I must learn to stay at rest with quiet attention to God and ignore my desires to keep busy.  The security of activity must give way to the unknown of quiet rest.  I can’t come to know God in the way that I can know any other person or any other thing.  I can’t bridge the gap by effort, imagination or will, faith alone bridges the gap.  There are 3 temptations unto man, to be useful, to be important and to be powerful.”  Oh how I love the words of St. John of the Cross, he’s been where I am, he wrote about it and he “hit’s home” with me every time!  The enemy has no new tricks, only old tricks that he’s perfected over time and I must be aware and vigilant at keeping my peace and inward solitude.  Oh Lord, help me to stay at peace, help me to know my purpose which is to love You, to spend time with You and to BE with You .  And if I can do that, then I am important and I am needed – needed to show my love and devotion to You and to present these truths to others for You.”

    Quote: “People become attached to their burdens sometimes more than the burdens are attached to them.”  ~George Bernard Shaw

    MY BIG DREAMS  – An Acrostic Poem – Sept 19, 2000

    My big dreams for me oh Lord just seemed so right and perfect.  I was

    Yearning for things that were my own plans, wishes and desires.  I’m

    Beginning to see these were my private tactics, self-centered, wrong and

    Indeed untimely.  It’s very true dear Lord, You know my heart and what is

    Genuinely best for me, I trust You.  Truthfully, I’ve felt so let down and deeply

    Disappointed that my requests are placed on hold.  You said some dreams were

    Reserved for my future and that You have a superior plan; a better way.  So

    Empower me to follow near to You dear Father, hold to my faltering hand.

    Again I lay aside my selfish and lofty prayers and here today I cast on You

    My cares.  This present life is only a dream, I’ll be content with what I have.  I

    Say now, “If the Lord wills, I’ll do this or that, and not boast on my own.


  • Oh That I May Be With Him

    One of the strangest lessons in this life must be that hardships and problems draw us closer and closer to our Lord.

    with himWhile still mourning the death of my mother, I was in the process of moving my oldest brother into suitable living arrangements.  My brother is mentally challenged and has been my “inheritance” since our mother’s death.  Naturally I was feeling sad, lonely and anxious from the stress, the decisions to be made and clearly the physical labor of moving.  I felt completely removed from my normal routine and wondered if my life would ever resemble what it used to be?  Would my life ever have a purpose or a destiny?  It appeared esteemed people around me had  a calling on their life; they had ministry positions and compared to my seemingly sad and boring life day-after-day, they looked to be important.

    While talking to the Father about these thoughts and feelings, I imagined myself to be of no use to Him, I felt I wasn’t working for the Kingdom and somehow “letting Him down.”  Quietly I said to Him, “Lord, I just want to be used by You, to do something for You.”  Quickly, Holy Spirit responded to me, “I have lots of people doing things for Me, what I need is someone to be with Me.”  Those simple yet profound words thrilled me; He wants me to be with Him!  These magnificent words changed my life and changed the way I saw myself from that moment forward.

    The Father desires a relationship with you.  No longer is there a wall between you and God, you have access to Him, He desires for you to spend time with Him, getting to know Him.

    “Jesus went up into the mountain, and called to himself those whom he wanted, and they went to him.  He appointed twelve, that they might be with him, and that he might send them out to preach, and to have authority to heal sicknesses and to cast out demons.”  Mark 3:13-15.

    “Father, I desire that they also whom you have given me be with me where I am, that they may see my glory, which you have given me, for you loved me before the foundation of the world.   Righteous Father, the world hasn’t known you, but I knew you; and these knew that you sent me. I made known to them your name, and will make it known; that the love with which you loved me may be in them, and I in them.”  John 17:24-26

    bench afarJournal entry: Lord I’m thanking You for opening doors for my brother a nice house to live near us and for him to be safe and happy.  I’ve felt really sifted during this process of mourning Mom and taking on the responsibility of my brother. Sometimes a part of me wants my old life back!  I’m afraid and weepy today but I keep my eyes on You Lord and I won’t LET myself be troubled, I won’t LET self pity come on me, I won’t lose heart or lose faith in You.  You will never leave me or forsake me.  When I feel like this, I do not need to think or mull things over, I don’t need to seek pity from others, I just need to be still and quiet and look to You.  So, I stay on the alter under the knife and I will my mind to shut up and to offer praise, thanks and prayers unto You, for I know You have a plan for me and for my life for a hope and a future (Jer. 29:11).    I am weak in myself but strong in You Lord.

    I visualize bringing my cares and laying them at Your feet, I see You touch the top of my head lovingly and I crumble at Your feet.  I hear You telling me, “Shhhhhh.”

    My friend, St. John of the Cross said, “The deeper my faith = the closer my union with God.”

    “Experience with God only comes by pressing in and abiding in Him.  He wants purity of heart, not gifts without fruit.”  It’s not about religion, it’s about relationship.”  Neville Johnson

    Be Blessed In Him,


  • My Childhood God vs. the Intimate Bride

    lil girl churchAs a child, my brothers and I were taken by the hand and walked to church every Sunday morning by our Mother.  We enjoyed summer Bible schools, the activities, the friends and it’s safe to say that church for me was a social activity and little more.  I attended church services most of my life and yet knew nothing of God’s love, His compassion, His mercy nor His personality. I did however, know stories about Him; I knew about Him yet I never knew Him.

    I would describe my Childhood God as:

    -Far away




    -Hard to reach





    Perhaps these labels sound familiar to you as well, but He doesn’t have to stay that way and He desires so much more.  I had no idea or knowledge that I could have a relationship with such a Mighty One!

    Over the past ten years, He’s revealed Himself to me; He’s brought anointed people to teach me and to give me tools to live by.  He’s allowed loss and pain and unimaginable changes in my life and in me.  At the end of these past ten years, I can now look back and say, although hard, it’s been a good life and I’m still learning to adjust day-by-day.

    The Lord has anointed and commissioned me to “Teach them what to do so that they may be more at ease with Me.”  In this blog, as He leads me, I’ll be sharing some of my personal daily journal entries, some of my dreams, some of my visions, some of my personal words from Him, some of my poems, fascinating book recommendations and significant quotes.

    Journal entry May 07

    jj brickwall“Where am I and how do I feel?  I have no idea where I’m going or what I’m to do except for now I’m to abide, to trust and to wait.  It’s a strange place this place, it’s here and it’s now, it’s fun and it’s scary, it’s busy but at times it’s very lonely.  It’s NOwhere and it’s NOW here – see, how strange it is?

    I’ve almost no identity.  I have exercise class, I have church, my household chores and very little family interaction.  Mostly, I have my husband, my daughter and my brother and for right now that’s okay, I think.

    What do I need?  I do not know except only more of the same, I need to continue to abide, to trust and to wait while being content.  I’m letting my soul grow up and so here I am, I remain in NOwhere and yet in NOWhere.”

     Come back and let Him teach you, let Him love you, let Him strengthen you and most importantly, let Him reveal Himself to you.

    I’ll leave you with this quote, “During the winter the trees “appear” dead; they are not so in reality but on the contrary, are submitting to a process that preserves and strengthens them.  For what is the effect of winter?  It contracts their exterior, so that the sap is not uselessly expended and it concentrates the strength on their roots, so that new roots are pushed out and old ones are strengthened and nourished and forced deeper into the soil.  Alas, the tree was never more alive and is becoming more firmly established.”  Madam Jeanne Guyon

  • His Intimate Touch

    Sintimateometimes a well of sadness deep within me opens up with no provocation and spills out through tears from my eyes. I don’t have a reason for why or when, and I can’t stop it. I just run to my Father and let Him touch it. I tell Him of it, not through words, but by my heart cries. He tenderly touches within me a place I cannot see or even fathom, and a healing oil covers me, and causes my fears and sadness to slowly subside a little bit more. He hasn’t told me what it is or why it’s there – we just both know that life has left it’s imprint and wounds take time to heal, whether self-inflicted or not. He is able and mighty, He is the lover of my soul and spirit. Transition and renovation go hand in hand. They are exciting and refreshing and painful.

    Cover up and dry up this well, Father. Finish turning my mourning into dancing. Remove my sackcloth and clothe me with joy.

  • Dear One (Letter One)

    This is the first interactive letter in response to questions and inquiries I receive about the supernatural and how to walk deeper in God. People want to know how to increase in the anointing of God. Over the course of time I will share what I have learned and experienced in my walk with God. Take these letters as your own personal writings and apply the wisdom to your life and you will see over time a remarkable difference in your relation with God and man.

    Dear One,

    wordFirst of all I thank you for loving God. He is wonderful and He has wonderfully made each one of us for His good pleasure. I would encourage you to pursue your artistic passion which by your own words you laid down so long ago. I read somewhere when first grade children were asked, “Who here is an artist?” The entire class raise their hands, when asked the same question years later, few raise their hands. Why do you suppose that is? Often children are told they are not an artist so they quit believing it. Perhaps they told themselves they were not talented good so they laid down a developing gift.

    I often get the question of how to go deeper into God. It all starts with a solid, daily prayer life, setting aside an appointed time as often as you can. I prefer early in the morning before my mind or my day gets busy. It’s better to put on the armor of God before going to battle than wait later in the day to get filled don’t you think?

    God understands our busy schedules and allows for us to do the things we have to do but only for a short amount of time will He allow us to continue to “skip out” on Him before we will get chastised for being absent. Our pursuit must be for Him, to know Him and better said, “To be known of Him.” How do you get to know someone? We get to know them by spending time together of course and God is no different.

    genesisGod builds us up in secret and reconstructs us to the point that we don’t identify with our old self any longer. He is the potter and we are the clay. A young man I mentored kept asking God, “What do I have that you so want that you called me to you?” This went on for days and one day he heard the Father say, “Absolutely nothing.” He was quite taken back by that response before he realized he was in pride before God.

    This walk is about one thing and that one thing will keep it fresh, alive, exciting and fun. It’s about RELATIONSHIP and nothing else, nothing else matters to Him. Understand that God has many people who are doing, and want to do great things for Him, but He wants people to spend time with Him. Few do, few will, few understand because they get caught up in their gifts, their self accomplishments, making a name for themselves or other vain aspects of life. After all we are human beings not human doings.

    I want to accomplish what He assigns for me to do. Some of the things He has assigned to me I wasn’t His first choice because He told me others were appointed but refused. I will do anything He asks of me and just say, “That’s OK with me Lord.” We’ve become closer over the years and so can anyone else who desires to.

    We must study the word! A couple of weeks ago when conversing with the Lord I said, “Father there are so many churches that have pastors and teachers that don’t know You or understand the depths of Your word.” Immediately He corrected me by saying, “2 Timothy 2:15.” It’s up to each believer to get into His Word, not only memorize it but to know it, to know the audience, to know the context, and learn the wisdom of God, to know and understand the correlation to other verses so strange doctrines aren’t created. The Word…He watches over His word to perform it.

    oilI recommend to all Christians who want to grow into the depths of God, to read the classic Christian authors such as Francois Fenelon, Michael Molinos, Madam Jeanne Guyon and Bro. Lawrence. These wonderful Christians lived in the 1600’s and teach about dying to self, about meditations and bringing God in to the simplest daily task like no other authors I’ve ever read! You can never finish these books; they just keep revealing the depths of dying to self more and more. I don’t say this to frighten you but to encourage you to enter deeper into the hands of God. He calls you to deep!

    I love your words about Jesus and that He only did what He saw the Father do. As Christians, if we could only grasp the depths of that statement and to pursue God, to wait on Him and to allow Him to show us His works. It seems like you have a ministry to the deaf, a gift and a big heart to share God’s Word through pictures to them. What a wonderful thing this is, for the word of God changes lives!

    In His Name,

    Bro. Bill